Dead Man Gawking

Santa is DEAD. It's official now. Photographic proof has surfaced on the net, and here it is.

Unlike the '70's proclamation that God had passed away (because of declining church attendance) the demise of St. Nicholas was not caused by lack of interest in the holiday or even the recent decline in per capita Yuletide spending in the US to less than $364 (anything less than one dollar per day being the poverty level).

No, Virginia, Santa was a victim of his success, not failure. After approximately 1100 years of roaming the globe philanthropically filling stockings and dispensing cautionary lumps of anthracite, Nick was licked by technology, or the decline thereof.

As we all are aware, Chinese manufacturers have cornered 99.999% of the world market in Christmas holiday lighting. The inside story of this is sad in itself.

Employing slave elf labor was never Santa's style, so along about 1995 it became economically impossible for North Pole LLC to compete, and their last reliable string of multicolored bulbs was shipped out. Subsequently the Polar Ice Pack began melting, and the handwriting was on the wall. All remaining operations were translocated to Boca Raton, FL, and 75% of the elves went into retirement near Ft. Myers. By 2007 NP International's total output consisted of driedel tops and knitted Kitten Mitts, intended to allow domestic shorthair housecats the ability to survive in the wild in January.

In 2008 production of even this dubious moneymaker was halted by legal action, the Florida Supreme Court holding that "kitten mitts" was a copyright infringement against "Kitchen Mitts Conglomerated", a wholly-owned subsidiary of "Everything and ANYTHING Kitchen-Related," a Hong Kong holding company with damn good lawyers.

Holiday spending peaked in 2009 when the last domestically owned American dollar passed to the Chinese. The holiday which Santa built from little more than a reindeer and ruddy nose had been pushed to the final tipping point long feared by some but ignored by too many. We all know what resulted. A worldwide economic financial disaster.

The Chinese, of course, took over everything remaining of the holiday not already in their grasp, retaining all rights to the name, which was modified to ChrisMart Day and moved to September 25th.

Santa was put out to pasture, ie, made homeless, since his Workshop was now floating through oil slicks in the North Sea. Rumors persist that Japanese whale fishermen sank it with explosive harpoons but those remain unconfirmed.

Santa drifted from city to city and town to town, pathetically picking up litter and stuffing it into his suit as padding to replace the pounds of jolly he'd lost on his quest for spiritual guidance. "Show me the LIGHT! Show me the LIGHT!" he would moan, bending down time and time again for a McCheesy wrapper or a BurgerWop box.

God listens.

Santa found himself in the lower Michigan town called JACKSON, apparently drawn to the state by the mitten shape of its Lower Peninsula on Google Earth. Lights weren't working on the inherently defective Chinese-made street decorations. Santa tried to fix them and died from electrocution.

He's finally at Peace, but not on Earth.

Photo by: KAT KULCHINSKI