"Dune 608"

Gail Slaughter produced the top photo....(California dune shot) and I fooled around with Microsoft Photo Editor to make the bottom one from it.............................MS

(Hint: select a section with sky above, ground below, then paste it lower down to mask the ground, repeat, repeat repeat until you have lotsa sky to play with, then use smudge function to blend images together relatively seamlessly........time involved: 10 minutes max!........MS)

Heads or Tails? Ashamed or hungry?

(photo credit: National Geographic)

(contributor: Gail Slaughter)

You can participate! Click: Heads or Tails

"Springtime in Eureka"

Two wonderful photos just taken by Gail in California. Eureka has a Rhododendron Parade in April, and Gail says she caught the Daffodils near her home. It is great to know that Spring has Sprung somewhere! Here in Michigan we are still getting snowed on!

The Rancher and the Dude

A Rancher was a-leanin' on a fence when a big ol' Lexus roared up in a cloud o' dust an' stopped. Out jumped a guy in a suit with a "lectronical sumpthin" in his han'. This Dude came up ta th' Rancher an' pointed out over th' field:

"Sir," he said, "I've got a proposition for you."

The Rancher chewed and spat. "Oh?" he said.

"Yessiree," the young man replied. "I'll make a bet with you."

The Rancher squinted. "Bet?" he said.

"Yessir!" said the tenderfoot. "I have in my hand the latest technology. Something every farmer and rancher in this valley wants and needs!"

The Rancher chewed and spat again. "Oh?" he said.

"YES!" exclaimed the eager hotshot. "It's a technological marvel, and if it doesn't do what I claim, I'll give you a thousand dollars in cash. But if it does, you'll just owe me one gallon of milk from one of your cows out there. Does that sound like a good bet to you?"

The Rancher looked the feller in the eye. "Sure," he said.

"I'll bet you I can count all the cows in your field and give you an exact number in less than ten seconds, without moving from the spot we're standing. OK?"

The Rancher scratched his head. "Sure," he finally agreed. "It's a bet."

With that the young whippersnapper whipped out his cell phone, uplinked through a mainserver, interrogated the latest satellite data, downloaded the result, pressed a button to perform an onboard calculation, and saw a figure appear on his cell phone screen.

"You sir," smiled the young salesman, "have exactly 373 cows!"

The Rancher chewed and frowned and scratched and spat.

"Son," he drawled, "at first I thought you was with the Gover-ment. You barged in here with somethin' I don't need, uninvited-like, put out money like it was water tryin' to prove you was on my side, took a foolish gamble, weren't able to do squat without yer damn fool technology, tried to tell me somethin' I already knew, and winded up gettin' screwed on the whole proposition."

The young man groaned. "But wasn't I right?"

The Rancher shook his head. "No, son," he said. "Them's my sheep."

March 17th at Ted's Firehouse Pub

The Orangeman's Lament

I'd like to be part of St. Paddy's Day action

But my own Irish blood makes a very small fraction.
And that bit of blood may be viewed as a blotch,
For my great-great grandpa was an Orangeman (Scotch).
And did I say Scotch? Well, I never drink,
Which wipes out all claims to be Irish, I think.
Still, I'll wear my green jeans with my green sweater over,
Play my cassettes of the Chieftains and Rovers,
Eat some corned beef on a slice of green bread,
Stop saying "Wow," say "Begorra" instead.
There are folks who may say that me shamrock's a sham
But for one day a year, it 'tis Irish I am.

ERIN GO BRAUGH
Erin go braugh!
Never go braless
Unless you're an Erin whose figure is flawless!

(Material composed by Gail Slaughter)

(Illustration work by Michael Serafin)
(Special thanks to Mary Stebbins Taitt)

Verifuni Dafinations

Gail Slaughter sent these in:

INTAXICATION: Tax refund euphoria (until you realize it was your money to start with).
REINTARNATION: When you die and come back as a hillbilly.
BOZONE: The substance around idiots which prevents the penetration of bright ideas.
FOREPLOY: Strategy for picking up a partner in a bar.
CASHTRATION: Buying a house and being rendered financially impotent. Indefinitely.
GIRAFFITI: Vandalism, spray-painted very, very high.
SARCHASM: The gulf between sarcastic wit and the goof who just doesn't get it.
INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously.
HIPATITIS: Being terminally cool.
OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate's disease. (Think about it awhile: you'll get it)
KARMAGEDDON: It's like, you know, like all these dudes are sending out all these negative vibes, man, right? And then like the earth explodes!
DECAFALON: Getting through the day without that afternoon coffee break.
GLIBIDO: All talk, no action.
DOPELER EFFECT: Stupid ideas seeming smarter if they come at you fast enough.
ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT: What you throw when you catch a spider web in the face.
BEELZEBUG: That satanic mosquito that gets in your tent and won't be cast out.
CATERPALLOR: The color you turn when you find HALF a worm in your apple.
IGNORANUS: A person both stupid and a real pain in your rear!

(source: Washington Post, Mensa Invitational)

Can you pick the winner that year?
Give your best guessed guest guess in a comment!

Meet Our California Correspondent

This lovely lady is Gail Slaughter, our western scout and photographer based in Eureka, California. Gail likes snapping pictures (you'll see her work often in EinP) but the thing she probably "digs" the most are her goldmines of jokes. (Click on her name in the Labels anywhere in the blog for a history of her stuff).

If you click on the word "California" in the title above you can read more about Gail and things she sends in. "Kitty", as she is also known, has bran-new twin granddaughters, and two cats, Elphaba and Hybrow. She goes by the handle "Leaflady". (But I'll just call her "Squiggy.")

"F" is for FAG (the sort you smoke)

Yes, I smoke. I am a pariah. Everyone hates me. I must go outdoors in the cold. My landlord forbids it. No employer will have me smoking on their property. My cat stares at me in disgust. My friends fear for my life. My Doctor wants to disown me.

It is a filthy, filthy, filthy habit, they all tell me. I point to legends such as Yul Brenner, John Wayne, Katherine Hepburn, Roger Miller, David Niven, on and on, and they yell

"SEE! the Weed got ALL of them!"

I sigh, and roll one more smoke.

(Thanks be to Gail Slaughter for this old ad!)

"Eh? Canada?"

(Originally posted Tuesday, December 13, 2005)

VANCOUVER WINTER OLYMPICS:

Visitor Questions

Now that Vancouver will host the 2010 Winter Olympics, people around the world have started asking questions. Stupid questions. And a stupid question deserves a stupid answer:

Question: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
Answer: We import all plants fully grown and sit around and watch them die.

Question: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?
Answer: That depends. How heavily do you drink?

Question: I want to hike from Vancouver to Toronto--can I follow the railroad tracks?
Answer: No problemo. It's only four thousand miles. Take a lunch.

Question: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?
Answer: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Question: It is imperative that I find the places to contact for a stuffed Beaver.
Answer: Sorry. Not touching that one.

Question: Are there cash machines in Canada? Send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax.
Answer: So what did your last slave die of?

Question: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
Answer: "A-fri-ca" is the big triangle south of Europe. "Ca-na-da" is that big country to your North. (No, just joshing. The hippo racing is every Tuesday night. Come naked.)

Question: Which direction is North in Canada?
Answer: Just face South and then do a 180. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Question: Can I bring cutlery into Canada?
Answer: What for? Use your fingers like civilized people!

Question: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
Answer: "Aus-tri-a" is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is... oh, forget it. (The Vienna Boys do three numbers every Tuesday right after the hippo races. Come naked.)

Question: I have developed a new product---it's the Fountain of Youth. Can I sell it in Canada?

Answer: Sure! Just put up a sign: "35% off Drugs". Those Americans'll just MOB you.

Question: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?
Answer: Yes. The region running East and West and South to North. How big are YOUR women?

Question: Are there "supermarkets" in Toronto, and is milk available all year round?
Answer: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegans, fruit-lovers, and hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Question: I have a question about a famous animal of Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse, with horns.
Answer: Oh, we know what you mean. The Moose! Moose are very Canadian indeed. Like our famous Mounties, they are very tall, and very violent, eating the brains of anyone trespassing on their territory. Do not approach either a Moose or a Mountie. If one charges you, run. But be prepared for such an encounter beforehand. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine. To be safest, turn your shorts around backward. And pray.

(From the archives of Leslie in Canada...thanks, Les!)

Early Warning Easter

Have you seen how early

Easter

is this year?

Easter is the first Sunday after the first full moon
following the Spring Equinox. The date is obtained
from the Lunar Calendar Hebrew people use to
mark the Feast of The Passover.

With our present day Gregorian
calendar, the date moves around.

(Easter can occur as early as March 22,

but that is pretty rare.) This year Easter is March 23rd, 2008...

the earliest Easter any of us will ever see!

Next time Easter will be this early--- 2228.

The last time--- 1913.

Only the most elderly of our population

(you'd have to be 95)

---have ever seen it this early.

and the bottom line is:

.....no one alive today will

ever see an earlier Easter!

(A big hug and thanks to Gail Slaughter)

"Faithful and True"

This is from a photo snapped by Gail Slaughter of California... worth repeating!

Here's the link to more pix at Silk Creek.

"River's Bend"

I told our friend Gail in California that this picture reminded me of my first Boy Scout canoeing adventure on the Rifle River in Michigan... cold oatmeal, chiggers, wet blankets, and a ton o' fun!

Some Things Never Change

....... Gail Slaughter sent this in... good ol' Grannie's never fooled!
(Click picture to view larger)

"World War Final"

"Caught in the Act"

Our friend Gail in California gets to see a lot of wildlife, and often captures the unusual in pictures. No, this is not a squirrel, friends, but Br'er Rat! We grow up believing these rodents are awful, but does this little guy look evil to you? Of course not! He's just a fellow traveler in our world.

Detail of original photo by: Gail Slaughter

"Log Across the River"

An absolutely wonderful winter picture by Dennis Whitehead, sent in by Gail Slaughter.

A Passel of Puns

It's been said that the pun is either the highest form of humor, or the lowest.

You make the call:

1) I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger---then it hit me.

2) Police were called to a daycare center where an unruly child was resisting a rest.

3) Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off by a buzzsaw? He's all right now.

4) The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference.

5) Trying to write with a dull pencil is pointless.

6) When fish are in schools they often take debate.

7) Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from prison? Now she's a short medium at large.

8) A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

9) And the one who fell into wet cement? He's now a hardened criminal.

10) The math Professor went crazy at the blackboard... he really did a number on it.

11) When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Meet Mini-HaHa...Our New Mascot

Mini is a dedicated individual, as you can plainly see from this picture. Whether at rest or at work, Mini BOLDLY goes where no HaHa has gone before... sometimes by inadvertently taking a snooze on the keyboard!! When Gail isn't around, he can get up to some strange antics, and we sometimes suspect that most of the typos you find in EinP have something to do with that. We're not trying to place blame, here but...

Anyhow, we welcome Mini-HaHa to the gang.

Photo: Gail Slaughter

Two Mad Hatters

Mary Stebbins Taitt and Gail Slaughter, at the Mad Hatter Tea Shoppe in California.

A cup of Tea and Me

This my close friend Gail Slaughter, who sadly moved away to California. Well, she didn't move sadly, we're just sad she's out there and not here. You know what I mean. Gail keeps in touch with lots of pictures and funny jokes.