The Rancher and the Dude

A Rancher was a-leanin' on a fence when a big ol' Lexus roared up in a cloud o' dust an' stopped. Out jumped a guy in a suit with a "lectronical sumpthin" in his han'. This Dude came up ta th' Rancher an' pointed out over th' field:

"Sir," he said, "I've got a proposition for you."

The Rancher chewed and spat. "Oh?" he said.

"Yessiree," the young man replied. "I'll make a bet with you."

The Rancher squinted. "Bet?" he said.

"Yessir!" said the tenderfoot. "I have in my hand the latest technology. Something every farmer and rancher in this valley wants and needs!"

The Rancher chewed and spat again. "Oh?" he said.

"YES!" exclaimed the eager hotshot. "It's a technological marvel, and if it doesn't do what I claim, I'll give you a thousand dollars in cash. But if it does, you'll just owe me one gallon of milk from one of your cows out there. Does that sound like a good bet to you?"

The Rancher looked the feller in the eye. "Sure," he said.

"I'll bet you I can count all the cows in your field and give you an exact number in less than ten seconds, without moving from the spot we're standing. OK?"

The Rancher scratched his head. "Sure," he finally agreed. "It's a bet."

With that the young whippersnapper whipped out his cell phone, uplinked through a mainserver, interrogated the latest satellite data, downloaded the result, pressed a button to perform an onboard calculation, and saw a figure appear on his cell phone screen.

"You sir," smiled the young salesman, "have exactly 373 cows!"

The Rancher chewed and frowned and scratched and spat.

"Son," he drawled, "at first I thought you was with the Gover-ment. You barged in here with somethin' I don't need, uninvited-like, put out money like it was water tryin' to prove you was on my side, took a foolish gamble, weren't able to do squat without yer damn fool technology, tried to tell me somethin' I already knew, and winded up gettin' screwed on the whole proposition."

The young man groaned. "But wasn't I right?"

The Rancher shook his head. "No, son," he said. "Them's my sheep."

Verifuni Dafinations

Gail Slaughter sent these in:

INTAXICATION: Tax refund euphoria (until you realize it was your money to start with).
REINTARNATION: When you die and come back as a hillbilly.
BOZONE: The substance around idiots which prevents the penetration of bright ideas.
FOREPLOY: Strategy for picking up a partner in a bar.
CASHTRATION: Buying a house and being rendered financially impotent. Indefinitely.
GIRAFFITI: Vandalism, spray-painted very, very high.
SARCHASM: The gulf between sarcastic wit and the goof who just doesn't get it.
INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously.
HIPATITIS: Being terminally cool.
OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate's disease. (Think about it awhile: you'll get it)
KARMAGEDDON: It's like, you know, like all these dudes are sending out all these negative vibes, man, right? And then like the earth explodes!
DECAFALON: Getting through the day without that afternoon coffee break.
GLIBIDO: All talk, no action.
DOPELER EFFECT: Stupid ideas seeming smarter if they come at you fast enough.
ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT: What you throw when you catch a spider web in the face.
BEELZEBUG: That satanic mosquito that gets in your tent and won't be cast out.
CATERPALLOR: The color you turn when you find HALF a worm in your apple.
IGNORANUS: A person both stupid and a real pain in your rear!

(source: Washington Post, Mensa Invitational)

Can you pick the winner that year?
Give your best guessed guest guess in a comment!

"Eh? Canada?"

(Originally posted Tuesday, December 13, 2005)

VANCOUVER WINTER OLYMPICS:

Visitor Questions

Now that Vancouver will host the 2010 Winter Olympics, people around the world have started asking questions. Stupid questions. And a stupid question deserves a stupid answer:

Question: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
Answer: We import all plants fully grown and sit around and watch them die.

Question: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?
Answer: That depends. How heavily do you drink?

Question: I want to hike from Vancouver to Toronto--can I follow the railroad tracks?
Answer: No problemo. It's only four thousand miles. Take a lunch.

Question: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?
Answer: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Question: It is imperative that I find the places to contact for a stuffed Beaver.
Answer: Sorry. Not touching that one.

Question: Are there cash machines in Canada? Send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax.
Answer: So what did your last slave die of?

Question: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
Answer: "A-fri-ca" is the big triangle south of Europe. "Ca-na-da" is that big country to your North. (No, just joshing. The hippo racing is every Tuesday night. Come naked.)

Question: Which direction is North in Canada?
Answer: Just face South and then do a 180. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Question: Can I bring cutlery into Canada?
Answer: What for? Use your fingers like civilized people!

Question: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
Answer: "Aus-tri-a" is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is... oh, forget it. (The Vienna Boys do three numbers every Tuesday right after the hippo races. Come naked.)

Question: I have developed a new product---it's the Fountain of Youth. Can I sell it in Canada?

Answer: Sure! Just put up a sign: "35% off Drugs". Those Americans'll just MOB you.

Question: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?
Answer: Yes. The region running East and West and South to North. How big are YOUR women?

Question: Are there "supermarkets" in Toronto, and is milk available all year round?
Answer: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegans, fruit-lovers, and hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Question: I have a question about a famous animal of Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse, with horns.
Answer: Oh, we know what you mean. The Moose! Moose are very Canadian indeed. Like our famous Mounties, they are very tall, and very violent, eating the brains of anyone trespassing on their territory. Do not approach either a Moose or a Mountie. If one charges you, run. But be prepared for such an encounter beforehand. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine. To be safest, turn your shorts around backward. And pray.

(From the archives of Leslie in Canada...thanks, Les!)

"The Angry Whiteman"

This is a "write-on" piece by Gary Hubbell in the Aspen Times Weekly, sent in by Gail Slaughter in California:

February 9, 2008

"There is a great amount of interest in this year’s presidential elections, as everybody seems to recognize that our next president has to be a lot better than George Bush. The Democrats are riding high with two groundbreaking candidates — a woman and an African-American — while the conservative Republicans are in a quandary about their party’s nod to a quasi-liberal maverick, John McCain.

"Each candidate is carefully pandering to a smorgasbord of special-interest groups, ranging from gay, lesbian and transgender people to children of illegal immigrants to working mothers to evangelical Christians.

"There is one group no one has recognized, and it is the group that will decide the election: the Angry White Man.

"The Angry White Man comes from all economic backgrounds, from dirt-poor to filthy rich. He represents all geographic areas in America, from urban sophisticate to rural redneck, deep South to mountain West, left Coast to Eastern Seaboard.

"His common traits are that he isn’t looking for anything from anyone — just the promise to be able to make his own way on a level playing field. In many cases, he is an independent businessman and employs several people. He pays more than his share of taxes and works hard.

"The victimhood syndrome buzzwords — 'disenfranchised,' 'marginalized' and 'voiceless' — don’t resonate with him. 'Press "one" for English' is a curseword to him. He’s used to picking up the tab, whether it’s the company Christmas party, three sets of braces, three college educations or a beautiful wedding.

"He believes the Constitution is to be interpreted literally, not as a 'living document' open to the whims and vagaries of a panel of judges who have never worked an honest day in their lives. The Angry White Man owns firearms, and he’s willing to pick up a gun to defend his home and his country. He is willing to lay down his life to defend the freedom and safety of others, and the thought of killing someone who needs killing really doesn’t bother him.

"The Angry White Man is not a metrosexual, a homosexual or a victim. Nobody like him drowned in Hurricane Katrina — he got his people together and got the hell out, then went back in to rescue those too helpless and stupid to help themselves, often as a police officer, a National Guard soldier or a volunteer firefighter. His last name and religion don’t matter. His background might be Italian, English, Polish, German, Slavic, Irish, or Russian, and he might have Cherokee, Mexican, or Puerto Rican mixed in, but he considers himself a white American.

"He’s a man’s man, the kind of guy who likes to play poker, watch football, hunt white-tailed deer, call turkeys, play golf, spend a few bucks at a strip club once in a blue moon, change his own oil and build things. He coaches baseball, soccer and football teams and doesn’t ask for a penny. He’s the kind of guy who can put an addition on his house with a couple of friends, drill an oil well, weld a new bumper for his truck, design a factory and publish books. He can fill a train with 100,000 tons of coal and get it to the power plant on time so that you keep the lights on and never know what it took to flip that light switch.

"Women either love him or hate him, but they know he’s a man, not a dishrag. If they’re looking for someone to walk all over, they’ve got the wrong guy. He stands up straight, opens doors for women and says 'Yes, sir' and 'No, ma’am.'

"He might be a Republican and he might be a Democrat; he might be a Libertarian or a Green. He knows that his wife is more emotional than rational, and he guides the family in a rational manner. He’s not a racist, but he is annoyed and disappointed when people of certain backgrounds exhibit behavior that typifies the worst stereotypes of their race. He’s willing to give everybody a fair chance if they work hard, play by the rules and learn English.

"Most important, the Angry White Man is p.....d off. When his job site becomes flooded with illegal workers who don’t pay taxes and his wages drop like a stone, he gets righteously angry. When his job gets shipped overseas, and he has to speak to some incomprehensible idiot in India for tech support, he simmers. When Al Sharpton comes on TV, leading some rally for reparations for slavery or some such nonsense, he bites his tongue and he remembers. When a child gets charged with carrying a concealed weapon for mistakenly bringing a penknife to school, he takes note of who the local idiots are in education and law enforcement.

"There are many millions of Angry White Men....."

----------------------------------------------

Gary says that these Angry White Men will decide the election.

What do YOU think?.............................????

Some Things Never Change

....... Gail Slaughter sent this in... good ol' Grannie's never fooled!
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