"Been there, done that..."

Spam Francisco

Silicone Valley

YouReeka

Lost Aimlessness

Nude Whoreleans

Last Stages

Myammer

Punksa-Ptomaine

Potsburned, Panstillmaimya

No'm, Alaska

Tooraunch, Oh Canada

BlondeDumb, Minglin

Toorich, Switchedherplan

Verifuni Dafinations

Gail Slaughter sent these in:

INTAXICATION: Tax refund euphoria (until you realize it was your money to start with).
REINTARNATION: When you die and come back as a hillbilly.
BOZONE: The substance around idiots which prevents the penetration of bright ideas.
FOREPLOY: Strategy for picking up a partner in a bar.
CASHTRATION: Buying a house and being rendered financially impotent. Indefinitely.
GIRAFFITI: Vandalism, spray-painted very, very high.
SARCHASM: The gulf between sarcastic wit and the goof who just doesn't get it.
INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously.
HIPATITIS: Being terminally cool.
OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate's disease. (Think about it awhile: you'll get it)
KARMAGEDDON: It's like, you know, like all these dudes are sending out all these negative vibes, man, right? And then like the earth explodes!
DECAFALON: Getting through the day without that afternoon coffee break.
GLIBIDO: All talk, no action.
DOPELER EFFECT: Stupid ideas seeming smarter if they come at you fast enough.
ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT: What you throw when you catch a spider web in the face.
BEELZEBUG: That satanic mosquito that gets in your tent and won't be cast out.
CATERPALLOR: The color you turn when you find HALF a worm in your apple.
IGNORANUS: A person both stupid and a real pain in your rear!

(source: Washington Post, Mensa Invitational)

Can you pick the winner that year?
Give your best guessed guest guess in a comment!

Meet Our California Correspondent

This lovely lady is Gail Slaughter, our western scout and photographer based in Eureka, California. Gail likes snapping pictures (you'll see her work often in EinP) but the thing she probably "digs" the most are her goldmines of jokes. (Click on her name in the Labels anywhere in the blog for a history of her stuff).

If you click on the word "California" in the title above you can read more about Gail and things she sends in. "Kitty", as she is also known, has bran-new twin granddaughters, and two cats, Elphaba and Hybrow. She goes by the handle "Leaflady". (But I'll just call her "Squiggy.")

"Eh? Canada?"

(Originally posted Tuesday, December 13, 2005)

VANCOUVER WINTER OLYMPICS:

Visitor Questions

Now that Vancouver will host the 2010 Winter Olympics, people around the world have started asking questions. Stupid questions. And a stupid question deserves a stupid answer:

Question: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
Answer: We import all plants fully grown and sit around and watch them die.

Question: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?
Answer: That depends. How heavily do you drink?

Question: I want to hike from Vancouver to Toronto--can I follow the railroad tracks?
Answer: No problemo. It's only four thousand miles. Take a lunch.

Question: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?
Answer: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Question: It is imperative that I find the places to contact for a stuffed Beaver.
Answer: Sorry. Not touching that one.

Question: Are there cash machines in Canada? Send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax.
Answer: So what did your last slave die of?

Question: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
Answer: "A-fri-ca" is the big triangle south of Europe. "Ca-na-da" is that big country to your North. (No, just joshing. The hippo racing is every Tuesday night. Come naked.)

Question: Which direction is North in Canada?
Answer: Just face South and then do a 180. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Question: Can I bring cutlery into Canada?
Answer: What for? Use your fingers like civilized people!

Question: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
Answer: "Aus-tri-a" is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is... oh, forget it. (The Vienna Boys do three numbers every Tuesday right after the hippo races. Come naked.)

Question: I have developed a new product---it's the Fountain of Youth. Can I sell it in Canada?

Answer: Sure! Just put up a sign: "35% off Drugs". Those Americans'll just MOB you.

Question: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?
Answer: Yes. The region running East and West and South to North. How big are YOUR women?

Question: Are there "supermarkets" in Toronto, and is milk available all year round?
Answer: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegans, fruit-lovers, and hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Question: I have a question about a famous animal of Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse, with horns.
Answer: Oh, we know what you mean. The Moose! Moose are very Canadian indeed. Like our famous Mounties, they are very tall, and very violent, eating the brains of anyone trespassing on their territory. Do not approach either a Moose or a Mountie. If one charges you, run. But be prepared for such an encounter beforehand. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine. To be safest, turn your shorts around backward. And pray.

(From the archives of Leslie in Canada...thanks, Les!)

A Passel of Puns

It's been said that the pun is either the highest form of humor, or the lowest.

You make the call:

1) I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger---then it hit me.

2) Police were called to a daycare center where an unruly child was resisting a rest.

3) Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off by a buzzsaw? He's all right now.

4) The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference.

5) Trying to write with a dull pencil is pointless.

6) When fish are in schools they often take debate.

7) Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from prison? Now she's a short medium at large.

8) A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

9) And the one who fell into wet cement? He's now a hardened criminal.

10) The math Professor went crazy at the blackboard... he really did a number on it.

11) When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.