01 March 2008

"Eh? Canada?"

(Originally posted Tuesday, December 13, 2005)
Visitor Questions

Now that Vancouver will host the 2010 Winter Olympics, people around the world have started asking questions. Stupid questions. And a stupid question deserves a stupid answer:

Question: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
Answer: We import all plants fully grown and sit around and watch them die.

Question: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?
Answer: That depends. How heavily do you drink?

Question: I want to hike from Vancouver to Toronto--can I follow the railroad tracks?
Answer: No problemo. It's only four thousand miles. Take a lunch.

Question: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?
Answer: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Question: It is imperative that I find the places to contact for a stuffed Beaver.
Answer: Sorry. Not touching that one.

Question: Are there cash machines in Canada? Send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax.
Answer: So what did your last slave die of?

Question: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
Answer: "A-fri-ca" is the big triangle south of Europe. "Ca-na-da" is that big country to your North. (No, just joshing. The hippo racing is every Tuesday night. Come naked.)

Question: Which direction is North in Canada?
Answer: Just face South and then do a 180. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Question: Can I bring cutlery into Canada?
Answer: What for? Use your fingers like civilized people!

Question: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
Answer: "Aus-tri-a" is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is... oh, forget it. (The Vienna Boys do three numbers every Tuesday right after the hippo races. Come naked.)

Question: I have developed a new product---it's the Fountain of Youth. Can I sell it in Canada?
Answer: Sure! Just put up a sign: "35% off Drugs". Those Americans'll just MOB you.

Question: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?
Answer: Yes. The region running East and West and South to North. How big are YOUR women?

Question: Are there "supermarkets" in Toronto, and is milk available all year round?
Answer: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegans, fruit-lovers, and hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Question: I have a question about a famous animal of Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse, with horns.
Answer: Oh, we know what you mean. The Moose! Moose are very Canadian indeed. Like our famous Mounties, they are very tall, and very violent, eating the brains of anyone trespassing on their territory. Do not approach either a Moose or a Mountie. If one charges you, run. But be prepared for such an encounter beforehand. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine. To be safest, turn your shorts around backward. And pray.

(From the archives of Leslie in Canada...thanks, Les!)


SnoopyTheGoon said...

Funny stuff. I do remember a similar one being done by an Aussie some time ago.

Thanks for the link (by the way, it is to a specific post and not to the blog for some reason).

Fun people and cat people are definitely my kind of people, so the link gladly reciprocated.


coffeypot said...

That was some funny stuff.

Michael said...

Snoop I copied the URL from a posting I was at at the time, and with a mind like mind, one place at one time is enough. Anyhow, I got the link fixed and things are now serene.

Michael said...

You are quick on the trigger, Cafe. I haven't been back here myself til now...I got lost. You must have snuck in while I was working someplace else. Thanks for coming.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

It is funny and sadly, the real tourist bureau prolly gets questions just as stupid, ignorant and bigioted as these.

The answers were funny though.

Mean but funny.

Akelamalu said...

LOL that was too funny!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...


---Michael--- said...

No sooner than I had posted this version (which was originally written back in 1995) than Andree forwarded me the "Aussie" version Snoopythedragon remembered, coming back around the horn again. As of yet only heaven knows who and where the idea was cooked up originally, but as we always say around here, the internet is a vast wasteland of impossibilities.